I don't have to treat all my children equally

Newborn Allison with Noah

Allison was such an easy baby. She was happy, didn't cry much, slept through the night pretty early, and was just such a joy to be around. When she started walking it all changed.

Allison's first birthday

Sometimes I joke around that I can't wait until she grows up and leaves because we drive each other nuts. She has ruined furniture and other household items with a variety of things including (but not limited to) poop, yogurt, ground up goldfish and baby powder. She seemed to do these things out of vengeance which might sound strange for a one year old but, it's true. I would tell her, "no," to some request and she would get this look in her eye and calmly walk away only to be found minutes later pouring an entire bottle of maple syrup onto my favorite arm chair. It wasn't until she was four that she started to calm down. I refer to ages 1-3 as the "dark years." 

Fourth birthday 

3 years old after playing in the dirt, this is her defiant look

One thing I've never had to worry about is her self confidence. She was always so independent. When she went to Kindergarten I worked at her school as the music teacher. I would see her on the playground at recess by herself and I would worry that she wasn't making friends. When I asked her about it she told me that she was more interested in doing what she wanted to do. She wanted to do the swings so she did the swings and she didn't worry about anyone else or feel left out. I was super impressed actually. It wasn't long before kids were drawn to her quiet confidence and wanted to do the swings with her. She was tough as nails and nothing ever bothered her.

That all changed when she became the middle child. 

We came home from China with her little sister right before her second grade year. Autumn was not nice to Allison at first because she didn't want to share mom and dad. Autumn didn't feel as competitive with Noah and would pay attention to him and basically shun Allison. That really destroyed Allison's self confidence and it was so painful to watch because there was very little we could do about it. 

Allison became a completely different person. She started being afraid of everything and constantly thinking she was sick. She started coming home from school unhappy because a certain friend didn't play with her at recess. She started reacting differently when I would discipline her. She started telling me that she wished she was born to a different family.  I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault for bringing home another child, like my actions had caused some sort of permanent damage. 

When she as the youngest it didn't matter how much I yelled at Allison. We had EPIC power struggles to the point where I would have to leave the house and walk around the block. We would scream at each other and slam doors and she would dig her heels in even more. Now, if I yell at her even a little, she weeps and wails like it's the end of the world. She doesn't dig her heels in anymore.

I had to relearn how to parent my child. 

Adjusting to having three kids proved to be a lot more difficult than I thought. Allison was exhibiting classic "middle child syndrome" behavior and wanted constant attention. I was determined to treat them all equally.  After months of equal treatment Allison's emotional explosions, hypochondria, and fears were only getting worse. 

As we were considering adopting our fourth, I began doing research about disrupting the sibling order and found that it's only really an issue when you disrupt the oldest or youngest. Middle children don't have the same feeling of privilege the oldest and youngest do and so, they can't really be disrupted. I interpreted that to mean, that for middle children, it can't get much worse. 

Then I had an epiphany. I don't have to treat all my children equally. Noah and Autumn are more emotionally healthy because of their birth order. Middle children tend to perpetually see themselves as less important. Whether or not this is actually true doesn't really matter because perception is reality. In order for Allison to feel like she was getting equal attention I needed to give her extra attention.

So, she and I talked and we worked out a system. If she feels unhappy or ignored she can come to me and ask to speak privately and I will drop everything and do it. This happens almost daily now. I would absolutely do the same for my other children if they felt they needed it but they have never asked. Usually our conversations are 30 seconds or less. It has made such a difference. 

I spent so many years worrying about spoiling Allison. Now that she's a middle child, I get to spoil her as much as I want. She gets more one-on-one time with me than any of my other kids. She needs the time and it has not turned her into a spoiled brat. It has made her feel equal to her siblings. She is beginning to turn back into that confident kid I admired so much. 

As an added bonus, Autumn came around and the two girls are best friends now. 

Man, do I love those kids.

 

Begin with the end in mind

Wednesday morning I woke up at 5:30 with a feeling of dread.  My plan was to get to the US State Department right at 8:00 to pick up our Chinese adoption papers (aka our dossier.) From there I had to find a place to make copies of the entire 84 page document then head over to the Chinese embassy and submit them for the final authentication step. Before the day even started I had an ominous feeling that it wasn't going to go well.

So, I did what I have always been taught to do: I prayed. I asked God to help make the day go smoothly and that I would get things done quickly and completely and then I set out.

When I got to the State Department it was just after 8:00 and there was already a line, but it was short. I was in and out in about 15 minutes. I asked a security guard where the nearest copy shop was and he directed me to a bookstore but they were not open. I used the map app on my phone and walked to three other shops, all of which were out of business. Finally, just after 9:00am, I found a UPS store. The gentleman at the counter said, "I've seen this before, I know how to do it." Then he informed me that he would charge $1 per page because he was not allowed to remove the staples. If he removed the staples and re-stapled them then the Chinese embassy would reject the dossier because it would look as though it had been tampered with. Since he was the only game in town I begrudgingly agreed to pay the $1 per page. Then he said to come back in an hour.

It was 10:00 by the time I got my papers back. I had lost 1 hour 45 minutes and $84 getting the necessary copies of our dossier. But I kept my chin up, I needed to head to the embassy and get this done and, darn it, I was going to get it done that day!

I plugged "Chinese embassy" into my map app and drove to the address it provided. The internet failed me again but I didn't realize it until I parked 2 blocks away from the wrong building, walked around for 10 minutes, and had to ask someone for help. It turned out I had driven to the apartment building where they house the Chinese ambassadors.

So, I walked back to my car and drove another 15 minutes to the correct location. It was just after 11:00 when I took a number and waited to be helped. I will never forget my number, B585, because I stared at it for 3 long hours. As I sat there, my anxiety rose steadily. Autumn was staying at a friend's house and I had expected to be back by lunch time. My friend was so nice about it and said she could stay longer. I was worried about getting home in time for the older two to get home from school. Also, there was rush hour traffic to worry about.

As I was sitting there CNN was playing on the televisions in the embassy. It was right in front of me so I couldn't help but watch. They were reporting about the little boy who was taken by an alligator and alternating that with the Orlando shooting and speeches by the current presidential candidates. It was incredibly depressing.

Finally, at approximately 2:00 my number was up. I went up and gave the lady our dossier. She proceeded to shuffle through them and scrutinized each page. She found one page (not an original) that was not up to their standards, handed back the entire pile of papers and rejected my submission. I had to go make a new copy of that one page and return and take a new number.

The embassy is open until 5:00 so I decided I was not going home without getting this done. No way, no how. So I found a FedEx store two blocks away and redid that one page and headed back to the embassy. Little did I know, their business hours are until 5:00 but they stop handing out numbers at 2:30. It was 2:42 when I made it back. There was no way I could get it done that day.

I walked out into the bright sunlight of the afternoon and wanted to scream with frustration. Also, I was so starving that I was almost ready to eat my own arm. I called Keith and told him that I was going to grab a quick bite to eat and then head home. That wonderful man had picked up Autumn and was home waiting for Noah and Allison's school bus.

The nearest restaurant was Einsteins Bagels. As I was entering I lost my composure and started crying. This was not just a sniffle and a few tears, but full on sobbing, ugly, uncontrollable crying. I couldn't even pull myself together enough to order food so I found a table in the corner and put my head down on my arms.

After a few minutes, one of the employees came and sat next to me and put her arm around me. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I was having a bad day. She asked if I had eaten that day and I told her I hadn't since 6:00 that morning. She asked what I wanted and I said I didn't know, maybe just a plain bagel with cream cheese. She said no, that I needed a real meal and proceeded to make me a sandwich with chips and a drink. I offered to pay and she said, "no, it's free. I just want you to have a good day." She was right when she said that I would feel better after I had something to eat.

The kindness shown to me by these strangers helped to ease the frustration and emotional exhaustion of the day. That morning I had prayed that things would go smoothly, but they didn't. The Lord had a different plan. He used my bad day to create an opportunity for someone else to do good. It was truly a humbling experience.

As I went to my car Keith sent me this text. -------------------------->

How blessed I am to be surrounded by people who help me to begin with the end in mind.

The next morning I went back to the embassy and our dossier was accepted.

Always Carry Cash

This week I have been working on our dossier for our next Chinese adoption. The process isn't too difficult, it just has a LOT of steps. I had to collect 20 different documents including things like police clearances, home study, medical certifications etc. The Chinese government knows more about us than we know about ourselves. This packet of 20 documents has to go through a serious of authentications. Not every page has to go through every step so that can be tricky to navigate. But, most of the papers go through this process:

Public Notary witnesses the original signature
County Clerk authenticates that the notary is legit ($1 per document)
Secretary of State authenticates that the county clerk is legit ($2 per document)
US State Department authenticates that the Secretary of State is legit ($8 per document)
Chinese Consulate authenticates that the US State Department is legit ($25 per document)

It's INSANE. Last go round we paid the adoption agency extra to take care of all the authentication steps and it was worth every penny. (We have a different agency this time and they don't offer that service.) This is an unbelievable amount of legwork.

On Monday we got the last piece of the puzzle so I could start this marathon of authentication. Autumn and I took all the papers to the Howard County Clerk's office then drove to Annapolis to the Secretary of State. I was feeling pretty good about my paper pushing abilities until I got home and double checked everything. I had ONE letter that was notarized in Baltimore City. The Howard County Clerk overlooked that little detail (so did I.)  I had Howard County vouching for Baltimore City which they have no authority to do. It also invalidated my Secretary of State authentication. (Yay! Another 45 minute drive to Annapolis!)

So, today I drove to the Baltimore City Courthouse and it was very......well, interesting.

Howard County only accepts checks, the Secretary of State only accepts credit cards, and (you guessed it) Baltimore City only accepts cash. I didn't know about that last part.

I never carry cash. I literally did not have ONE DOLLAR to pay for this letter to be authenticated.

The lady at the Baltimore City Courthouse directed me to the nearest ATM 2 blocks away. I went to that location and the building was closed for construction. At this point, it was approaching lunchtime and Autumn was complaining that she was hungry and I REALLY had to pee.

I found a little deli to buy Autumn a snack and got up to the register but there was a minimum $5 charge for debit card purchases. I either had to buy 3 bags of chips or none at all. I put the chips back and we hit the potty. When we came out of the bathroom a nice man who was behind us in line had bought Autumn her chips. The kindness of this stranger was the only thing that kept my head level.

We found ourselves wandering around downtown Baltimore in search of an ATM. Finally, I found one in a little Chinese restaurant down a dodgy-looking ally. By this point we were five blocks away from the courthouse. Autumn was as happy as a clam meandering along and munching on her BBQ potato chips without a care in the world. She really is such an easy going kid.

After returning to the courthouse we discovered that the lady who sent me to the ATM to get a dollar was on her lunch break. This is important because she had told me to come directly to her window so that I didn't have to wait in line a second time.

We ended up at a different person's window and he took my letter and he authenticated it for me. I tried to hand him my $20 bill to pay the fee and he said, "nah, don't worry about it."