I lost 12 pounds

Those first few weeks after returning home from China were a blur of tantrums, sleepless nights and jet lag. The physical and emotional toll of the trip really caught up with me. After two days Keith went back to working 12 hours a day 6 days a week. After two weeks the older children went back to school. It was just me and Autumn. All. Day. Long.

Before bringing her home I thought going back to having a 2 year old at home would be a breeze. I did it before, I could do it again, right? WRONG. I sunk into a DEEP depression. What I didn't know before is that postpartum depression happens post adoption too. This leads me to think that it's a reaction to environmental change, not a reaction to hormonal changes like everyone says. 

This is very hard for me to share because a part of me is embarrassed that this was so difficult. The logical part of me says that it's silly to feel embarrassed. It wasn't as though I chose to become depressed, it just sort of.......happened.  It happened in the same way that a person gets hit by a train; fast, hard and without warning. I can remember sitting and staring at a plate of eggs and not being able to physically move myself to eat them. That was the moment. I felt like myself before that moment. That was two days after we got home.

Mentally, I had prepared myself for a really rough time in China. The trip was definitely not easy but, for some reason, I had absolutely no problem handling it. I was never overly emotional and adapted well to sudden changes in plans and long hours in the hotel room with nothing to do. It was all a-okay, no problemo! That's because I knew it was temporary. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I actually found at the end of the tunnel was darkness.

One day after arriving back in the USA

It wasn't all doom and gloom. We got along well as a new family of five. We went to the playground a lot and Autumn got along really great with her new brother and sister. They spent hours on the trampoline together and laughed a lot.  

The problem was me.  All me. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I lived with a huge rock in my stomach all the time. I lost 12 pounds. My feelings of anxiety consumed everything and I could hardly function and could feel nothing else. It was immensely perplexing because I couldn't pinpoint a cause and I had never felt quite like that ever before. 

So overwhelmed with these emotions, I couldn't bond with my new child. In fact, I started to blame her (or my decision to adopt her) for the way I felt. Then I started feeling guilty for blaming her. Then I blamed Keith for letting me go through with adoption. Then I felt guilty for thinking that too. I had a laundry list of negative thoughts, each one followed by guilt. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't escape. Anxiety. Guilt. Depression. Anxiety. Guilt. Depression. What was happening to me?!

It got to the point where I was having thoughts of hurting myself. I went to the doctor, I got medication for the anxiety but it made me more depressed. I stopped taking the medication. Then, I went to therapy and it changed my life (more on that in a future post.)

Thanks to a lot of hard work, prayer and support from many friends and family members I'm happy to say that I have found my way out of the darkness. This experience has fundamentally changed who I am as a person. I feel different and I view the world differently. I'm not sure if it's a good change or not. Time will tell.

Begin with the end in mind

Wednesday morning I woke up at 5:30 with a feeling of dread.  My plan was to get to the US State Department right at 8:00 to pick up our Chinese adoption papers (aka our dossier.) From there I had to find a place to make copies of the entire 84 page document then head over to the Chinese embassy and submit them for the final authentication step. Before the day even started I had an ominous feeling that it wasn't going to go well.

So, I did what I have always been taught to do: I prayed. I asked God to help make the day go smoothly and that I would get things done quickly and completely and then I set out.

When I got to the State Department it was just after 8:00 and there was already a line, but it was short. I was in and out in about 15 minutes. I asked a security guard where the nearest copy shop was and he directed me to a bookstore but they were not open. I used the map app on my phone and walked to three other shops, all of which were out of business. Finally, just after 9:00am, I found a UPS store. The gentleman at the counter said, "I've seen this before, I know how to do it." Then he informed me that he would charge $1 per page because he was not allowed to remove the staples. If he removed the staples and re-stapled them then the Chinese embassy would reject the dossier because it would look as though it had been tampered with. Since he was the only game in town I begrudgingly agreed to pay the $1 per page. Then he said to come back in an hour.

It was 10:00 by the time I got my papers back. I had lost 1 hour 45 minutes and $84 getting the necessary copies of our dossier. But I kept my chin up, I needed to head to the embassy and get this done and, darn it, I was going to get it done that day!

I plugged "Chinese embassy" into my map app and drove to the address it provided. The internet failed me again but I didn't realize it until I parked 2 blocks away from the wrong building, walked around for 10 minutes, and had to ask someone for help. It turned out I had driven to the apartment building where they house the Chinese ambassadors.

So, I walked back to my car and drove another 15 minutes to the correct location. It was just after 11:00 when I took a number and waited to be helped. I will never forget my number, B585, because I stared at it for 3 long hours. As I sat there, my anxiety rose steadily. Autumn was staying at a friend's house and I had expected to be back by lunch time. My friend was so nice about it and said she could stay longer. I was worried about getting home in time for the older two to get home from school. Also, there was rush hour traffic to worry about.

As I was sitting there CNN was playing on the televisions in the embassy. It was right in front of me so I couldn't help but watch. They were reporting about the little boy who was taken by an alligator and alternating that with the Orlando shooting and speeches by the current presidential candidates. It was incredibly depressing.

Finally, at approximately 2:00 my number was up. I went up and gave the lady our dossier. She proceeded to shuffle through them and scrutinized each page. She found one page (not an original) that was not up to their standards, handed back the entire pile of papers and rejected my submission. I had to go make a new copy of that one page and return and take a new number.

The embassy is open until 5:00 so I decided I was not going home without getting this done. No way, no how. So I found a FedEx store two blocks away and redid that one page and headed back to the embassy. Little did I know, their business hours are until 5:00 but they stop handing out numbers at 2:30. It was 2:42 when I made it back. There was no way I could get it done that day.

I walked out into the bright sunlight of the afternoon and wanted to scream with frustration. Also, I was so starving that I was almost ready to eat my own arm. I called Keith and told him that I was going to grab a quick bite to eat and then head home. That wonderful man had picked up Autumn and was home waiting for Noah and Allison's school bus.

The nearest restaurant was Einsteins Bagels. As I was entering I lost my composure and started crying. This was not just a sniffle and a few tears, but full on sobbing, ugly, uncontrollable crying. I couldn't even pull myself together enough to order food so I found a table in the corner and put my head down on my arms.

After a few minutes, one of the employees came and sat next to me and put her arm around me. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I was having a bad day. She asked if I had eaten that day and I told her I hadn't since 6:00 that morning. She asked what I wanted and I said I didn't know, maybe just a plain bagel with cream cheese. She said no, that I needed a real meal and proceeded to make me a sandwich with chips and a drink. I offered to pay and she said, "no, it's free. I just want you to have a good day." She was right when she said that I would feel better after I had something to eat.

The kindness shown to me by these strangers helped to ease the frustration and emotional exhaustion of the day. That morning I had prayed that things would go smoothly, but they didn't. The Lord had a different plan. He used my bad day to create an opportunity for someone else to do good. It was truly a humbling experience.

As I went to my car Keith sent me this text. -------------------------->

How blessed I am to be surrounded by people who help me to begin with the end in mind.

The next morning I went back to the embassy and our dossier was accepted.

Sometimes I feel nothing

I was raised in the Mormon church and have remained a faithful member into adulthood. One of my favorite aspects of my faith is the concept of personal revelation. We are encouraged to pray and talk to God as though he were sitting in the room with us. We have the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with God. It's kind of amazing if you really think about it.

Personal revelation can come in many forms. For me, I receive feelings of peace when I know I'm doing what's right. Sometimes I pray and the answer is no and I feel anxious or confused. Sometimes I feel nothing. Those are probably the most difficult times, when He doesn't answer.

Why didn't I get an answer? 

Heavenly Father wants us to choose for ourselves, that's why we have agency. If we go to Him with every decision He will sometimes withhold guidance. Is it because the decision we make isn't important enough for Him to intercede? I think not.

For example, in my single days I attended a scripture study class and we discussed this very topic at great length. The teacher was talking about marriage and choosing a spouse. He said that if you are dating someone and you think you might want to marry them and you pray, the Lord is not going to tell you yes. Is this because who you marry is not important? No. (Who you marry is a very important decision and if you were about to make a HUGE mistake I think God would probably let you know.) But, He won't necessarily tell you yes for a very good reason.

Sometimes in life there are too many unknowns for Heavenly Father to micromanage our every decision. The biggest variable is our own agency. If He tells us to do something and we screw it up then we are naturally going to blame God when it's really our own fault.

When Keith took his current job it set us on a very good path that led to a great community and allowed us to adopt not one but two kids from China. After we had dinner with the people who wanted to hire Keith I had a pit in my stomach for months. I didn't want things to change but I knew I had to support my husband and that it was the right thing to do. Did Heavenly Father make the decision for me? No. I had to choose for myself to do what I knew was right.

There have been periods of time since moving where I have felt angry and bitter and it's been hard on our family. If Heavenly Father had told us to move and take this job I could have very easily blamed Him for my unhappiness when the blame really fell on me. I get to decide to make the best of it. I get to choose to be happy and find the good. Instead of blaming God, I turn to Him for support and He's there. He's always there.

Yay!

It's not about the tiger

The world of door to door sales is cut throat. It's highly competitive. We lived it for 5 years, got out for 4 and have been back in it for 3 years and for the foreseeable future.

Not only is it competitive, but it's run mostly by youngish men. There aren't too many executives over 40 and no female ones that I've ever heard of. The combination of immaturity and testosterone make for an interesting culture.

Despite it's cultural downfalls, it is a great career path for a lot of people, my husband included. But, it hasn't exactly been easy on our marriage.

When he worked in a "normal" job he would come home and tell me all about everything. He talked about clients and about office politics and the people he worked with. Now, he comes home and tells me almost nothing and what he does tell me is about clients only. Is this because office politics don't exist? It's not. My theory is that he doesn't tell me because it's so pervasive that he doesn't want to upset me. The fact remains that he keeps things from me and so I have a hard time trusting him. I also don't trust the people he works for who created the kind of work environment that he feels he needs to conceal from his wife.

I saw a great quote the other day. It said something to the effect that trust is like a once perfectly smooth piece of paper. Someone breaking your trust is like crumpling the paper. It can be smoothed out but it will never be exactly the same as before.

From this perspective I share a story that is highly personal as I try to understand how we got to this point.

Every year my husband's employer throws a party. It's a formal affair with dinner and a casino theme and lots and lots of awards. The big wigs come and rub elbows with the little guys. It's something a lot of people look forward to and it was super important that I attend and show my support. I planned on attending. Then I found out that they were going to have a live tiger there for entertainment.

I'm not an animal rights activist but I felt super uncomfortable with this idea. It was supposed to be a surprise but I caught wind of it and expressed to Keith that I didn't want to go. He seemed hurt and angry with me. I felt hurt and angry that he didn't take my concerns seriously. Nobody did. He asked me what he had to do to make me feel okay about going to the party. I told him I wanted to know where they were getting the tiger. Was it a humane establishment? Did they have the proper permits? Was it legal? All we got was the run around. They said they were being secretive because it was a surprise. I didn't trust them.

Since I couldn't get answers I called an organization I consider to be the expert on the humane treatment of animals. My main goal was find out: 1) are there legitimate companies who rent out exotic animals for parties? 2) what are the laws in Maryland about this kind of business? 3) should I be concerned that the law is being violated? Some would say that PETA is a extremist group. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't but they were the only resource I had.

The representative I spoke to answered my questions. There are legitimate companies who rent out exotic animals for parties. These companies are technically legal, but it is not considered humane practice. Prince George's county requires a permit, which they didn't have. I had good reason to be concerned that the law was being violated. The main reason being the amount of secrecy surrounding the event. Once PETA got involved the tiger was sent back to where it came from and I became public enemy #1 in the eyes of everyone related to the event. I lost friends and the potential for future friendships.

I learned some things after everything went down that, had I known at the time, would have definitely changed the way I handled the situation. For example, they had a federal permit which might have superseded the county one.

In the end, I realized that it was never really about the tiger. It was about being kept in the dark, lied to and handled for so long that this plan veiled in secrecy made me automatically assume that it was not being done legitimately. If I had trusted my husband and his employers it wouldn't have made me so uncomfortable. The problem was that any trust I had was long gone by the time this occurred.

My husband really stood up for me. I'm grateful for that. His boss even apologized to me that they weren't more upfront and didn't take my concerns seriously. I know the real reason anybody at the company is nice to me at all is because of by husband. They want nothing to do with me. They love him and they know he's on my side no matter what so they tolerate me. Sometimes I wonder what they say about me behind by back but it's not a good train of thought.

I never really felt welcome attending my husband's work functions anyway so it's no big loss that I'm even less welcome. It hurts that he doesn't share things with me.

Doggy do and I love you

I am judgemental and I overreact. Wow, I just put my two biggest weaknesses out there for the world to see. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

Here's the scenario.

Our little dog, Marshmallow, is a mischievous fellow. He gets particularly frisky in the spring. Lately, he's been giving us the slip and running off into the woods to find adventure. It's incredibly frustrating and annoying and has been happening 2-3 times a day. We stopped chasing him because, quite frankly, he's too dang fast. He also returns home within about 10 minutes every single time.

I know there are leash laws and, generally, it's not a good idea for dogs to run loose in residential areas. He could get hit by a car or worse. I also know, that he's less than 9 lbs and wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm already stressed out by this situation.

Then, I get this email from my neighbor.

Heather, Keith,

I am concerned about Marshmallow.  

I know Marshmallow has been running free at times.  People are afraid of him being hit by a car.  I have had to avoid him once while driving home.  I have heard that a neighbor has had to bring him home. I have heard that people were concerned about where he went to the bathroom.  I have stayed out of the discussion, until now.

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My (removed for privacy) office is in my finished basement.  Yesterday I looked out my window, to see Marshmallow in my backyard.  I made a note to talk to you next time I see you.  I do not want to be picking up after Marshmallow in my yard - and don't think I should have to put up a fence - to keep neighbor's dogs OUT of my yard.  Our daughter, (removed for privacy)  picks up everything now..........

Then I saw something scary.  We often see a fox(s) in the woods.  We have had a den behind our house in the past, and have seen the baby foxes.  

Yesterday, I saw a fox appear and start walking in a straight, deliberate, line right toward Marshmallow.  He got to within 10', and Marshmallow spotted him, and took of running - the fox took up the chase.  I ran upstairs and saw Marshmallow running up my driveway - and the fox stopped pursuit at the base of our driveway, and pranced back into the woods.  

If the fox ever gets hold of Marshmallow - he will rip Marshmallow apart.  The fox is bigger, hunts for his food, and now knows of Marshmallow's scent, etc.

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Everyone I know LOVES Marshmallow.  

BUT, Everyone else in this community, who owns a dog, walks their dog with a leash.  You also have a fenced backyard.  I don't understand why Marshmallow is often running free???


So, picture me, if you will, like a time bomb in one of those action movies. Keith is the Macgyver-like hero trying to figure out if he should cut the green wire or the red one. My neighbor just, unknowingly, accelerated the countdown. Then Keith responds like this:

Hey (removed for privacy)! 

Sorry he gets out. Sometimes he bolts and if we chase after him he runs so we've decided to let him go and he always comes back. We never let him out intentionally. If he leaves a present in your yard let me know and I'll come pick it up.  

It's so simple and so perfect. My favorite part is the last sentence. At that moment the absurdity of the whole thing hit me and I couldn't stop laughing. I re-read the email from my neighbor and saw it with new eyes. It's really quite well written and funny! Maybe he ought to consider becoming a writer. Keith knew just the right thing to say. He almost always does.

Boy, do I love that man!