I lost 12 pounds

Those first few weeks after returning home from China were a blur of tantrums, sleepless nights and jet lag. The physical and emotional toll of the trip really caught up with me. After two days Keith went back to working 12 hours a day 6 days a week. After two weeks the older children went back to school. It was just me and Autumn. All. Day. Long.

Before bringing her home I thought going back to having a 2 year old at home would be a breeze. I did it before, I could do it again, right? WRONG. I sunk into a DEEP depression. What I didn't know before is that postpartum depression happens post adoption too. This leads me to think that it's a reaction to environmental change, not a reaction to hormonal changes like everyone says. 

This is very hard for me to share because a part of me is embarrassed that this was so difficult. The logical part of me says that it's silly to feel embarrassed. It wasn't as though I chose to become depressed, it just sort of.......happened.  It happened in the same way that a person gets hit by a train; fast, hard and without warning. I can remember sitting and staring at a plate of eggs and not being able to physically move myself to eat them. That was the moment. I felt like myself before that moment. That was two days after we got home.

Mentally, I had prepared myself for a really rough time in China. The trip was definitely not easy but, for some reason, I had absolutely no problem handling it. I was never overly emotional and adapted well to sudden changes in plans and long hours in the hotel room with nothing to do. It was all a-okay, no problemo! That's because I knew it was temporary. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I actually found at the end of the tunnel was darkness.

One day after arriving back in the USA

It wasn't all doom and gloom. We got along well as a new family of five. We went to the playground a lot and Autumn got along really great with her new brother and sister. They spent hours on the trampoline together and laughed a lot.  

The problem was me.  All me. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I lived with a huge rock in my stomach all the time. I lost 12 pounds. My feelings of anxiety consumed everything and I could hardly function and could feel nothing else. It was immensely perplexing because I couldn't pinpoint a cause and I had never felt quite like that ever before. 

So overwhelmed with these emotions, I couldn't bond with my new child. In fact, I started to blame her (or my decision to adopt her) for the way I felt. Then I started feeling guilty for blaming her. Then I blamed Keith for letting me go through with adoption. Then I felt guilty for thinking that too. I had a laundry list of negative thoughts, each one followed by guilt. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't escape. Anxiety. Guilt. Depression. Anxiety. Guilt. Depression. What was happening to me?!

It got to the point where I was having thoughts of hurting myself. I went to the doctor, I got medication for the anxiety but it made me more depressed. I stopped taking the medication. Then, I went to therapy and it changed my life (more on that in a future post.)

Thanks to a lot of hard work, prayer and support from many friends and family members I'm happy to say that I have found my way out of the darkness. This experience has fundamentally changed who I am as a person. I feel different and I view the world differently. I'm not sure if it's a good change or not. Time will tell.

Sometimes you have to know your limits

Last week I deactivated my Facebook account. It felt liberating but also a little scary. It was scary because I don't know what people are saying about me in my absence. Probably nothing, but I get kind of paranoid.

There are several reasons I did it:

1. Politics: The current political mood is so negative and I am tired of hearing about it. I did not go on Facebook to argue politics. I wanted to see things that uplifted me and catch up on what is happening in the lives of my friends and acquaintances. But my friends and acquaintances could not seem to stop arguing politics. I'm hopeful that after the election everyone will just chill out.

2. Cyber bullying: This is sort of related to the political mood. I firmly believe that it is wrong to call people names and belittle them because of their political beliefs no matter how much you disagree. It was extremely upsetting to see people I know and respect behaving in that way. I had a hard time just scrolling by when I saw someone doing that. Recently, I spoke up and boy was that a mistake. Standing up to an online bully only has one outcome: the bully targets you instead.

3. Self-control: Some would argue that I have complete power over the amount of time I spend on social media. That's technically true, but the fact is that I was addicted. If it's at my finger tips, I will spend too much time looking at it. It will effect my emotions and distract me from my REAL life. I don't trust myself to stay away. Sometimes you have to know your limits. It's healthier to spend time building relationships with friends and family who you actually see face-to-face on a regular basis. I was definitely spending way too much time on social media and ignoring the people who are right in front of me.

4. Happiness: Facebook was not making me feel happy. It almost always made me feel anxious (see the above reasons.) Life is too short to waste time on things that don't bring you joy.

People have survived without social media for thousands of years. If you find yourself ignoring the real world in favor of a virtual world take a step back and examine your priorities. Is it really worth your time?