I don't have to treat all my children equally

Newborn Allison with Noah

Allison was such an easy baby. She was happy, didn't cry much, slept through the night pretty early, and was just such a joy to be around. When she started walking it all changed.

Allison's first birthday

Sometimes I joke around that I can't wait until she grows up and leaves because we drive each other nuts. She has ruined furniture and other household items with a variety of things including (but not limited to) poop, yogurt, ground up goldfish and baby powder. She seemed to do these things out of vengeance which might sound strange for a one year old but, it's true. I would tell her, "no," to some request and she would get this look in her eye and calmly walk away only to be found minutes later pouring an entire bottle of maple syrup onto my favorite arm chair. It wasn't until she was four that she started to calm down. I refer to ages 1-3 as the "dark years." 

Fourth birthday 

3 years old after playing in the dirt, this is her defiant look

One thing I've never had to worry about is her self confidence. She was always so independent. When she went to Kindergarten I worked at her school as the music teacher. I would see her on the playground at recess by herself and I would worry that she wasn't making friends. When I asked her about it she told me that she was more interested in doing what she wanted to do. She wanted to do the swings so she did the swings and she didn't worry about anyone else or feel left out. I was super impressed actually. It wasn't long before kids were drawn to her quiet confidence and wanted to do the swings with her. She was tough as nails and nothing ever bothered her.

That all changed when she became the middle child. 

We came home from China with her little sister right before her second grade year. Autumn was not nice to Allison at first because she didn't want to share mom and dad. Autumn didn't feel as competitive with Noah and would pay attention to him and basically shun Allison. That really destroyed Allison's self confidence and it was so painful to watch because there was very little we could do about it. 

Allison became a completely different person. She started being afraid of everything and constantly thinking she was sick. She started coming home from school unhappy because a certain friend didn't play with her at recess. She started reacting differently when I would discipline her. She started telling me that she wished she was born to a different family.  I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault for bringing home another child, like my actions had caused some sort of permanent damage. 

When she as the youngest it didn't matter how much I yelled at Allison. We had EPIC power struggles to the point where I would have to leave the house and walk around the block. We would scream at each other and slam doors and she would dig her heels in even more. Now, if I yell at her even a little, she weeps and wails like it's the end of the world. She doesn't dig her heels in anymore.

I had to relearn how to parent my child. 

Adjusting to having three kids proved to be a lot more difficult than I thought. Allison was exhibiting classic "middle child syndrome" behavior and wanted constant attention. I was determined to treat them all equally.  After months of equal treatment Allison's emotional explosions, hypochondria, and fears were only getting worse. 

As we were considering adopting our fourth, I began doing research about disrupting the sibling order and found that it's only really an issue when you disrupt the oldest or youngest. Middle children don't have the same feeling of privilege the oldest and youngest do and so, they can't really be disrupted. I interpreted that to mean, that for middle children, it can't get much worse. 

Then I had an epiphany. I don't have to treat all my children equally. Noah and Autumn are more emotionally healthy because of their birth order. Middle children tend to perpetually see themselves as less important. Whether or not this is actually true doesn't really matter because perception is reality. In order for Allison to feel like she was getting equal attention I needed to give her extra attention.

So, she and I talked and we worked out a system. If she feels unhappy or ignored she can come to me and ask to speak privately and I will drop everything and do it. This happens almost daily now. I would absolutely do the same for my other children if they felt they needed it but they have never asked. Usually our conversations are 30 seconds or less. It has made such a difference. 

I spent so many years worrying about spoiling Allison. Now that she's a middle child, I get to spoil her as much as I want. She gets more one-on-one time with me than any of my other kids. She needs the time and it has not turned her into a spoiled brat. It has made her feel equal to her siblings. She is beginning to turn back into that confident kid I admired so much. 

As an added bonus, Autumn came around and the two girls are best friends now. 

Man, do I love those kids.