Who could blame her?

See this picture? This is what our daughter's adoption looked like one year ago today. This sweet little girl was scared out of her mind.  She didn't want to leave the only caretakers she had ever known and live with complete strangers who spoke a different language.

Who could blame her?

She had been screaming and writhing for at least 10 minutes in my arms. She had the inhuman strength of a toddler in full tantrum. I could scarcely hold onto her. Sweat was dripping down my back.  If I put her down she would run away looking for her "aunties" (that's what she called her former caretakers.) If she found them we had to separate her from them all over again. It was unimaginably heartbreaking.

We were not allowed leave the civil affairs building with our daughter that day until we took a family picture to be printed for our adoption decree (a legal document proving our status as her parents.) "Say cheese!" This was the best picture they could get.

Before traveling to China, I read the books, listened to the podcasts and took the webinars. They all said to be prepared for your child to not want to come with you, especially a toddler in a foreign country. I was not prepared for this. Nothing could ever prepare anyone for a day like that day.

Remembering this day doesn't make me feel like celebrating. It makes me want to cry. This is the ugly truth that nobody wants to tell you:

Adoption is pain. Adoption is tragedy. Adoption is harder than you can ever imagine.

But it's also totally worth it.

Top row: Her second day with us, showing her defiant side, at the playground
Middle row: First pic of all three siblings together, at the playground, in China after a week with us
Bottom row: Getting to know big sister, showing her silly side, soap mohawk in the tub 

Sometimes you have to know your limits

Last week I deactivated my Facebook account. It felt liberating but also a little scary. It was scary because I don't know what people are saying about me in my absence. Probably nothing, but I get kind of paranoid.

There are several reasons I did it:

1. Politics: The current political mood is so negative and I am tired of hearing about it. I did not go on Facebook to argue politics. I wanted to see things that uplifted me and catch up on what is happening in the lives of my friends and acquaintances. But my friends and acquaintances could not seem to stop arguing politics. I'm hopeful that after the election everyone will just chill out.

2. Cyber bullying: This is sort of related to the political mood. I firmly believe that it is wrong to call people names and belittle them because of their political beliefs no matter how much you disagree. It was extremely upsetting to see people I know and respect behaving in that way. I had a hard time just scrolling by when I saw someone doing that. Recently, I spoke up and boy was that a mistake. Standing up to an online bully only has one outcome: the bully targets you instead.

3. Self-control: Some would argue that I have complete power over the amount of time I spend on social media. That's technically true, but the fact is that I was addicted. If it's at my finger tips, I will spend too much time looking at it. It will effect my emotions and distract me from my REAL life. I don't trust myself to stay away. Sometimes you have to know your limits. It's healthier to spend time building relationships with friends and family who you actually see face-to-face on a regular basis. I was definitely spending way too much time on social media and ignoring the people who are right in front of me.

4. Happiness: Facebook was not making me feel happy. It almost always made me feel anxious (see the above reasons.) Life is too short to waste time on things that don't bring you joy.

People have survived without social media for thousands of years. If you find yourself ignoring the real world in favor of a virtual world take a step back and examine your priorities. Is it really worth your time?

This began in 1619

Earlier this week I saw this tweet this and it has been bothering me a little bit.

Although I agree with the sentiment and the statement that we are all children of God, Mitt just doesn't get it. We can't "stop seeing" people's skin color. Ignoring race adds to the problem.  Instead of loving one another DESPITE our differences we need to love one another BECAUSE of our differences. If you can't do that, then you might be racist. We need to be able to look into each other's faces and try to understand. We need to able to say, "I'm sorry."

I got into an elevator yesterday morning with five large black men. I tried to make eye contact and do the awkward elevator smile that everyone does. Not one of them would make eye contact with me.  I wanted to tell them, in light of all that's happened these last few weeks, that I'm sorry.

This is not a modern problem. This began in 1619.

It is impossible for me (a white, middle-class woman) to fully understand what it is like to have a heritage that was abused in the way the African people were abused in the 17th and 18th centuries by Americans of that time. I can never truly understand what it was like in the time immediately following the Civil War. It was unimaginably horrible and it has gotten better but it is far from over.

I don't think there is any way to completely recover from that kind of trauma. It is something that will carry on for generations to come. History will not, nor should it, be forgotten. It is not water under the bridge and it probably never will be. Many African Americans are angry, and they have every right to feel that way. When something terrible happens you don't move on and pretend nothing happened. You have to learn from your mistakes. So we have to ask ourselves, what have the American people learned since 1619?

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, one of the leaders of the Mormon church, gave a talk at a church wide conference a few years ago that has really stuck with me. There was one admonition that he kept repeating, "stop it!"

I watch the news and read what people are saying and I want to stand up and shout STOP IT!

To people who fear others because of their skin color, stop it. To people who refuse to acknowledge that we have a problem with racism in this country, stop it. To the NRA who is using racial tensions to line their pockets, stop it.To the media who are constantly looking to highlight conflict to boost ratings, stop it. If we don't stop, we are going to implode.

Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself this question, "am I part of the problem?" Or better yet, "how can I be part of the solution?"

If we lived in the deep south

This last week I was reminded why diversity matters, especially for a family like ours.

We were driving home from a family reunion in Alabama. We stopped at a Sheetz gas station in southern Virginia for a quick dinner. If you've been to a Sheetz it's better than your average gas station food and more like a fast food place. They had some nice little outdoor tables with umbrellas. It was a beautiful evening so we ate outside.

At the table next to us there was a caucasian family with two young children. As we sat there and ate our dinner a little old lady walked by and said to the other family, "you have such beautiful children!" Their table and our table were very close to each other and she had to walk right by us as well. She looked at us, paused, and walked by without saying a word. We even smiled at her and she avoided eye contact. "That was interesting," said Keith.

The way we were sitting she could only see the back of Noah and Allison's heads. She had a perfect view of me and Keith with Autumn sitting on his lap. Perhaps she didn't consider Chinese children to be beautiful. Or maybe, she didn't know what to say because it was something she had never seen before. Maybe she was trying to figure out why we couldn't find any white kids to adopt. There I go assuming negative thought bubbles.

It didn't really offend me and we actually laughed about it afterward. It reminded me to be grateful to live where we live. There's enough diversity in the Baltimore/DC suburbs that, most of the time, people don't behave that way. I imagine that if we lived in the deep south that Autumn would always struggle to fit in. 

For a transracial adoptee, it's extremely important to feel accepted by your community as well as by your family.

All my kids are beautiful.