It's not about the tiger

The world of door to door sales is cut throat. It's highly competitive. We lived it for 5 years, got out for 4 and have been back in it for 3 years and for the foreseeable future.

Not only is it competitive, but it's run mostly by youngish men. There aren't too many executives over 40 and no female ones that I've ever heard of. The combination of immaturity and testosterone make for an interesting culture.

Despite it's cultural downfalls, it is a great career path for a lot of people, my husband included. But, it hasn't exactly been easy on our marriage.

When he worked in a "normal" job he would come home and tell me all about everything. He talked about clients and about office politics and the people he worked with. Now, he comes home and tells me almost nothing and what he does tell me is about clients only. Is this because office politics don't exist? It's not. My theory is that he doesn't tell me because it's so pervasive that he doesn't want to upset me. The fact remains that he keeps things from me and so I have a hard time trusting him. I also don't trust the people he works for who created the kind of work environment that he feels he needs to conceal from his wife.

I saw a great quote the other day. It said something to the effect that trust is like a once perfectly smooth piece of paper. Someone breaking your trust is like crumpling the paper. It can be smoothed out but it will never be exactly the same as before.

From this perspective I share a story that is highly personal as I try to understand how we got to this point.

Every year my husband's employer throws a party. It's a formal affair with dinner and a casino theme and lots and lots of awards. The big wigs come and rub elbows with the little guys. It's something a lot of people look forward to and it was super important that I attend and show my support. I planned on attending. Then I found out that they were going to have a live tiger there for entertainment.

I'm not an animal rights activist but I felt super uncomfortable with this idea. It was supposed to be a surprise but I caught wind of it and expressed to Keith that I didn't want to go. He seemed hurt and angry with me. I felt hurt and angry that he didn't take my concerns seriously. Nobody did. He asked me what he had to do to make me feel okay about going to the party. I told him I wanted to know where they were getting the tiger. Was it a humane establishment? Did they have the proper permits? Was it legal? All we got was the run around. They said they were being secretive because it was a surprise. I didn't trust them.

Since I couldn't get answers I called an organization I consider to be the expert on the humane treatment of animals. My main goal was find out: 1) are there legitimate companies who rent out exotic animals for parties? 2) what are the laws in Maryland about this kind of business? 3) should I be concerned that the law is being violated? Some would say that PETA is a extremist group. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't but they were the only resource I had.

The representative I spoke to answered my questions. There are legitimate companies who rent out exotic animals for parties. These companies are technically legal, but it is not considered humane practice. Prince George's county requires a permit, which they didn't have. I had good reason to be concerned that the law was being violated. The main reason being the amount of secrecy surrounding the event. Once PETA got involved the tiger was sent back to where it came from and I became public enemy #1 in the eyes of everyone related to the event. I lost friends and the potential for future friendships.

I learned some things after everything went down that, had I known at the time, would have definitely changed the way I handled the situation. For example, they had a federal permit which might have superseded the county one.

In the end, I realized that it was never really about the tiger. It was about being kept in the dark, lied to and handled for so long that this plan veiled in secrecy made me automatically assume that it was not being done legitimately. If I had trusted my husband and his employers it wouldn't have made me so uncomfortable. The problem was that any trust I had was long gone by the time this occurred.

My husband really stood up for me. I'm grateful for that. His boss even apologized to me that they weren't more upfront and didn't take my concerns seriously. I know the real reason anybody at the company is nice to me at all is because of by husband. They want nothing to do with me. They love him and they know he's on my side no matter what so they tolerate me. Sometimes I wonder what they say about me behind by back but it's not a good train of thought.

I never really felt welcome attending my husband's work functions anyway so it's no big loss that I'm even less welcome. It hurts that he doesn't share things with me.